If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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