I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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