Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize