Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize