A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
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These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
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But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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