she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
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he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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