I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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