sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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