I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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