uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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