remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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