...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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