So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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