I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
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my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
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Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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