You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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