I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
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Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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