I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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