Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
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I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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