new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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