This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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