i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
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Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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