They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
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dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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