I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You ruined the universe
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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