areolas are like halos for boobs.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
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Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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