I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
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stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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