I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
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I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
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Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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