did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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