I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
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He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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