You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Everclear isn't food dammit
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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