I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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