Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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