I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
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A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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