You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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