How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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