just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
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Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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