yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
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that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
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drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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