I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
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The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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