I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
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Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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