hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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