she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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