I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
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no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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