I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
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At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
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Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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