Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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