good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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