She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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