Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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