I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
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After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
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Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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