Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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