ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
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You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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