he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
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His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
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Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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